Snow Madness

Snow hell has returned to Columbia and with it a band of horribly inept and perilous drivers.  I was supposed to have a test today and it wasn’t until I drove down the unplowed streets, parked on the opposite end of campus, and marched a half mile through five inches of untrodden snow to my class that our professor decided to cancel and send us home.   On my way back to the car the snowfall turned into more of a slush and by the time I reached my parking spot my beard had frozen.  I looked like Liam Neeson at the anticlimactic ending of The Grey. I was a little frustrated to say the least but was unaware that this only the beginning of a series of hardships.

The girl parked in front of me must have seen me arrive to my Jeep, but rather than waiting for me to back up and make room for her she decided to try and pull out.  Little did she know her front-wheel drive Jetta had insufficient traction.  I feel as though she tried to go in reverse but had put her car in drive because as she struggled to move and applied more pressure to the gas pedal her car shot straight forward into the car in front of her.  I decided this wasn’t my battle and got out of there but I’m pretty sure she fled the scene. 

200 yards and one left turn later I ran into the my next struggle.  A car had almost made it to the top of a hill but after being forced to stop by a j-walking student they slowly started to roll backwards in my direction.  I threw my car into reverse and pulled out of the street into a driveway.  This still barely saved me as they either lost control completely or decided the only way they could stop was to cut the wheel and swerve backwards into a tree about fifty feet away from me.  After checking to make sure they were ok I continued my journey. 

When I finally made it to a main road I saw a girl in a Mustang stuck in a snowplow made hill.  I got out to help her and she rolled down her window to say in a valley-girl-esque, damsel in distress voice, “oh my God! Like I thought my car could make it, I mean like, it’s called A MUSTANG! Like what the heck!”  I informed her that front wheel drive vehicles were unsuitable for driving on icy terrain and after digging out the area around her wheels I was able to get her car out of captivity and onto the main road. 

I decided to stop at the gas station and grab an ice-scraper.  While I was there I ended up helping two cars make it out of the lot.  Neither of them so much as waved or rolled down the window to say thanks.  My girlfriend called me and asked if we could go pick up her friend because she had no food at her house and was scared she might get snowed in and starve.  I sighed, picked my lady up and we drove all the way back to campus.  After getting her friend it seemed like every student wanted to walk in the street.  Some of them wearing all grey attire as if they didn’t realize they were camouflaged in already low-visibility conditions.

Driving back to my house I counted three all-white vehicles without their headlights on.  When we finally made it back to my street we saw a man struggling to push a van full of girls up the long hill.  For some reason I was overwhelmed with a sense of civic duty and got out to help him.  After ten minutes we finally got her to the light where she needed one last push when it turned green.  For some reason she had put the car in reverse and damn near ran us both over.  After we got them on their way we noticed a line of cars had gotten stuck on the hill.  My kindness had run thin and decided someone else could play hero, got back in my car and drove home.  After parking and heading towards the door I saw a neighbor struggling to get her car out of her parking spot.  Another fifteen minutes in the cold with no gloves I managed to dig her out enough and guide her out of her space.  She and the man I helped push the van were the only ones to show their gratitude, but I was still kind of pissed when all she did was drive thirty feet to a different parking spot where she thought she’d be less likely to get snowed in.

I’m finally inside and warm with a belly full of ram-chili.  I rekindled some joy in my heart watching my dogs out in the snow.  Rusty was high-stepping making very calculated movements while Ein was jumping, rolling and frolicking, digging and kicking up the ice.  It was hilarious watching him having so much fun as he was practically fully submerged in the snow.   After a morning of dealing with idiots who thought their two-wheel and for the most part front-wheel drive could handle these conditions, I was happy to see my miniature dachshund finding so much happiness in his first real snowfall.  Stay warm Missouri and beware the SNOWPOCALYPSE!